The Artwork of Turning into a Higher Listener — Tactical Recommendation for the Startup Setting

In case you haven’t made a decision for 2022 but (otherwise you’ve already fallen off the bandwagon for the one you probably did choose), it’s not too late to reset and reaffirm your intentions for the remaining 11 months of the yr. But when typical targets like studying extra or spending much less time on social media are leaving you uninspired, you is perhaps on the lookout for one thing totally different to shake issues up.

Ximena Vengoechea recommends one which’s most likely not on too many decision lists: Striving to grow to be a greater listener.

“It’s quite common to have a objective to work in your presentation abilities or grow to be a greater public speaker. There are tons of trainings you possibly can take, and we’ve usually agreed culturally that these are essential abilities to hone. However listening is the opposite a part of that equation — and we do not pay very a lot consideration to it,” she says.

Vengoechea is a practiced listener. As a seasoned person analysis chief, she’s led and noticed hundreds of interviews, working at corporations like Pinterest, Twitter and LinkedIn to listen to extra about individuals’s wants and motivations so as to design higher merchandise. “As person researchers, we now have to attach shortly with strangers, typically relating delicate matters in entrance of an viewers. It requires asking open-ended questions, staying impartial and centering the dialogue on another person,” she says. 

Tapping into greater than a decade of expertise doing this work, Vengoechea fairly actually wrote the ebook on listening, publishing “Pay attention Like You Imply it: Reclaiming the Misplaced Artwork of True Connection” final yr. The subject is, after all, extremely well timed. “These previous couple of years we’ve all been fighting alienation and disconnection. It’s an odd mixture of feeling each remoted after which overwhelmed after we do attempt to join with others. Even after we’re in a position to collect in particular person, emails, social media notifications, to-do lists and our personal emotions can stand in the way in which of true connection and deeper conversations,” she says. 

Whereas this remark could seem notably related within the realm of our private relationships, it’s simply as salient within the skilled area. “While you truly deeply hearken to somebody, you get to know them a lot better, which goes to assist you to work with them higher. You are going to get larger alignment extra shortly whenever you’re in a position to actually hear and listen to out somebody’s concepts, reasonably than simply fine-tuning your individual pitch,” says Vengoechea. “We regularly consider miscommunication as a difficulty with our personal content material or supply — that if we might tweak the what or the how, our message can be more practical. However that perpetuates a dynamic the place we view our counterparts as an viewers, not as collaborators.

Vengoechea sees listening as a ability that’s notably essential to give attention to within the startup setting. “There’s usually this concept in startups that velocity is an important factor. However typically there’s such nice urgency to maneuver ahead with a selected venture that you simply haven’t heard out the remainder of the staff, and that is going to trigger you to stumble in a while as a result of you do not have buy-in,” she says. “Or in the case of product constructing, you do not decelerate to truly hear what your prospects want. You may have the founder or product chief’s conviction that you should ship a sure function, however you simply wind up losing dev cycles as a result of nobody’s utilizing it.”

So many startups are taking part in a sport of hurry up and wait — sprinting to get someplace solely to later understand it wasn’t even the best vacation spot. Typically you must go sluggish to maneuver shortly. Investing time into listening to your colleagues or attending to know your customers usually finally ends up being a faster path to success.

On this unique interview, Vengoechea provides up a tactical information for how one can grow to be a greater listener at work, wherever you sit within the startup org chart. Beginning with a number of elementary abilities, she goes on to supply each stage and functional-specific recommendation that you could put to make use of immediately. From how gross sales leaders can get extra comfy with silence, to how managers can higher join with their direct studies, we predict each tip is price heeding, irrespective of your position.

Photo of Ximena Vengoechea against a purple wall
Ximena Vengoechea, person researcher, writer, and illustrator.

In case you’re trying to get began with this work, step one is constructing what Vengoechea calls a listening mindset. “Which means you are bringing humility, curiosity, and empathy into each dialog. It sounds easy sufficient, however more often than not, we’re not deliberately coming in with that in thoughts. We’re coming in with our personal assumptions, opinions and expectations — and people can cloud what the opposite particular person has to say,” she says.

“Typically we’re partaking in floor listening — listening to sufficient to be well mannered or greedy the literal sentences which are popping out, however lacking the deeper which means and likelihood for emotional connection.”

Most of us hear effectively sufficient, however with out deliberate effort, we are inclined to navigate by means of conversations with important blind spots. It’s all too simple for us to study solely a sliver of the total story — or misunderstand it totally.

A listening mindset requires a bit extra legwork. “You are specializing in getting curious in regards to the different particular person, about what they’re sharing and why they’re sharing that with you. Humility requires shifting from the position of a trainer — which is how many people come into dialog — to that of a scholar, the place you’re attempting to study,” says Vengoechea. “And you then’re exercising empathy, attempting to know that different particular person’s expertise.”

Empathy to deeper understanding to more informed questions

Listed here are two of her fast ideas that can assist you construct humility, curiosity, and empathy into your on a regular basis listening habits:

Tip #1: Follow mindfulness to keep away from projecting.

You’ve seemingly caught your self rehearsing your subsequent sentence in a dialog, sheepishly realizing you’ve misplaced observe of what the opposite particular person is saying. “A typical floor listening mistake is getting trapped in our personal narratives. We gear up to answer one thing, let our ideas wander after we’re bored, begin planning our persuasive argument, or attempt to circle again to a subject we wish to return to,” says Vengoechea.

“We additionally usually venture our personal concepts, experiences or feelings onto others, dashing to inform a associated story or inadvertently placing phrases in somebody’s mouth. For instance, say you’re speaking with a co-worker they usually say, ‘I’ve bought a lot on my plate.’ You leap in and attempt to join by saying, ‘Oh me too, isn’t it actually energizing to be on so many initiatives?’ when in actuality, your co-worker is definitely harassed by it.”

To beat this reflex, strive winding down, not up. “When a potential response or associated thought enters your thoughts, reasonably than gearing as much as say one thing or weighing in instantly, merely observe it as an alternative,” she says. “After we’re in a position to desk these ideas and cease planning our responses or injecting our personal beliefs and assumptions, we will higher give attention to what our dialog companions are literally saying within the second.’’

The best place to be in dialog is in our personal heads. Empathy may be the antidote to our tendency to venture — we don’t have to share in others’ direct expertise, we simply have to think about it.

Tip #2: However keep in mind it’s not not about you.

That stated, listening isn’t totally in regards to the different particular person. “As you begin attempting to grow to be a greater listener, you’ll understand that a lot of it revolves round you and your response — in case you’re discovering somebody boring, that’s on you in a manner,” says Vengoechea. 

Listening is not merely about staying quiet, nodding alongside and simply being a vessel for what the opposite particular person has to say. It’s an lively course of — not a passive exercise. Doing the work to determine the way you have a tendency to point out up in conversations, placing within the effort to get curious and ask questions, observing cues and physique language and going out of your technique to embrace others all requires work in your half.”

It’s simple to imagine that listening is merely about displaying up and taking note of the opposite particular person, nevertheless it’s additionally deeply tied to taking note of ourselves.

Beneath, Vengoechea takes us by means of totally different layers of the org chart, sharing ideas tailor-made to the distinctive listening challenges at totally different ranges.

For founders and execs:

The upper up you’re in a corporation, the extra of us you’ve got hanging in your each phrase. However as your purview expands, info movement and connection to the remainder of the staff tends to constrict. Sure conferences fall out of your calendar. Choices you was once concerned in drop off your radar. You may have much less of a pulse on how the rank-and-file are feeling.

“One of many widespread challenges is determining the place to lean in and the place to lean out. What do you are feeling comfy delegating to another person to be the listener for and what do you actually must be there for?” says Vengoechea. “However as you make these selections on the place to focus, know that will probably be actually apparent to individuals whenever you’re not listening. Everybody can inform when an govt has clearly deprioritized one thing. Ensuring individuals nonetheless really feel heard by delegating and clearly speaking about that’s essential.”

Particularly as an organization scales, you possibly can’t be in each dialog. Simply understand that folk will take discover of the place you do spend your listening time.

One other widespread problem is feeling out of the loop, particularly when unhealthy information doesn’t appear to be winding its technique to the highest. “How founders and executives reply to info that is coming their manner goes to dictate what info comes their manner sooner or later,” she says. “If an exec is admittedly enthusiastic a few new product concept, everybody round them will floor it extra usually. If a founder appears to be like bored whenever you speak about retention, or they get mad whenever you speak about lacking targets, then of us won’t deliver it up as incessantly.”

This additionally spills over into shutting down creativity. “In case you come right into a dialog and at all times have all of the solutions or continually chime in together with your opinion, that doesn’t create the most secure surroundings for individuals to check out totally different concepts or deliver you half-baked proposals. It’s possible you’ll actually wish to have interaction extra in that collaborative backwards and forwards, however by advantage of popping out swinging, you have shut down a dialog.”

As a pacesetter, take note of how your individual response is closing off a set of conversations.

Along with spending extra time quietly taking in others’ views earlier than providing your individual, getting a second set of eyes may be useful. “Ask long-tenured staff or fellow executives, ‘Hey, whenever you observe me in conferences, what might I do to answer others extra productively?’ Or ‘I’ve seen that I do not get info from this staff about this matter, why would possibly that be?’”

For managers:

Match your mode to the second.

“When pondering by means of how one can present up in your direct studies as a greater listener, it’s essential to recollect there isn’t a one-size-fits-all strategy. However one instrument that may be useful is figuring out your default listening mode,” says Vengoechea. 

“It’s the pure filter that you simply have a tendency to make use of whenever you present up in dialog. For instance, you are available in with a mediating listening mindset, the place you are listening for everyone’s position in a sure state of affairs. Otherwise you may need a validating listening mode, the place you’re on the lookout for methods to affirm the opposite particular person,” she says. 

Chart detailing common listening modes: The explainer, the identifier, the nurse, the mediator, the interrupter, the daydreamer, the validator, the problem-solver, the diffuser, the empath, the interviewer

“Every of those modes have their ups and their downs. The secret is to determine yours after which intestine test your self to see if that is what’s wanted in a selected dialog — or if you should change up your fashion,” she says. Right here’s an instance: “Say you’re naturally coming in with a problem-solving listening mode. In a 1:1, you’re scanning for issues and options. However when a direct report offers you an replace of all of the issues they’re engaged on, you would possibly hear that as, ‘Ah, they’ve an excessive amount of on their plate, I’ve to take one thing off,’ when in actuality, they could have been sending a message like, ‘Hey, take a look at the whole lot I am engaged on. I am pleased with that — and I wish to just be sure you know.’ In that case, your useful problem-solving will seemingly really feel like micromanagement.”

Being an efficient listener is about constructing self-awareness round the way you naturally present up in dialog.

Listed here are a number of pointers for placing this into apply:

Take this quiz to do a deeper diagnostic of your default listening mode.

Vocalize your intestine. “You may even say to your direct report, ‘Usually, my intuition right here can be to give you recommendation — is that what you are on the lookout for?’ Typically being keen to say, ‘Although I’m the supervisor, I do not essentially know the best response right here — what can be helpful for you?’”

Open up house. “There’s energy in asking ‘Would you want me to hear, or brainstorm options with you?’ Typically they only wish to vent and it’s cathartic. As a supervisor it’s possible you’ll hate it, and it may be unproductive if it occurs too usually, however sometimes creating house for that’s a part of your position.”

Deepen the dialog to keep away from the doorknob second.

It’s simple for 1:1s to fall into a well-known rhythm, one the place you by no means stray too removed from the floor and the extra uncomfortable issues go unsaid. Vengoechea has seen this problem crop up for managers time and time once more.

“As you construct a relationship together with your direct report over time, it’s essential to concentrate to patterns. For instance, in remedy, shoppers will usually deliver up an important factor within the closing jiffy of a session — it’s referred to as a doorknob remark. Proper earlier than you begin wrapping up, you say the factor that you simply truly wished to say the entire time, however wanted your complete hour to muster sufficient braveness. And also you typically see an identical factor in 1:1s,” says Vengoechea.

In case you’re a supervisor trying to deepen the conversations you’re having together with your direct report, strive asking this one query: “What would you save for the top of our 1:1 right this moment? Let’s begin with that.”

For direct studies:

On the flip aspect of that dynamic, direct studies can battle with totally different points. “The primary query I get from of us who’ve learn my ebook isn’t about how one can be a greater listener, however how about how they may be heard and cope with of us who gained’t hearken to them,” says Vengoechea.

Summoning the nerve to talk up is just one a part of the equation. “The significance of being crystal clear together with your message is commonly ignored. Typically we actually assume that we now have requested for assist, however normally we do not accomplish that explicitly. We do not say, ‘I desperately want you to take a venture off my plate, I’m drowning.’ As an alternative we are saying, ‘Nicely, I’ve all these initiatives, and it is powerful nevertheless it’s okay, don’t fear about me,’ secretly hoping our supervisor will say, ‘Oh, that seems like an excessive amount of,’” says Vengoechea.

“The most effective factor that you are able to do to get your message throughout is to be tremendous clear and use easy language: I need assistance with X, I’m sad with Y, I am fighting Z.”

Typically, we predict that we’re expressing our wants clearly and we’re truly speaking round them. Probably the most direct path to being heard is to speak our wants explicitly.

Beneath, Vengoechea walks us by means of a number of the pitfalls and listening challenges of us in several features can encounter, sharing ideas that may enable you to stage up in your individual area:


Product leaders face a wide selection of challenges rooted in listening, from eradicating the bias of their very own product imaginative and prescient, to successfully shepherding inside groups to ship a product, to studying all that they will from customers. We’ll sort out every one in flip.

Retaining your individual bias at bay:

Take the widespread situation of a PM at an early-stage startup who’s conducting their very own buyer analysis. “The way in which you construction your questions is essential. Everybody can fall right into a sample of asking main or biased questions, nevertheless it’s notably acute for PMs given the character of their position,” says Vengoechea.

“An instance of that may be saying, ‘I’ll present you two screens. Which display do you want higher, display A or display B?’ This sounds completely effective, besides that it implies that the person likes one, whereas they could hate each of these screens. Many contributors have a bias of desirous to please the interviewer, which will get you a less-than-honest reply. So shifting away from close-ended inquiries to extra open-ended questions — ‘What do you concentrate on these two screens?’ — is a small instance of being conscious of your affect in a dialog.” 

Influencing inside stakeholders:

When making an attempt to win over engineers and designers internally in a product roadmap battle or beneath the strain of a deadline, the PM faces a special problem.

“In person analysis, there’s a quite common idea that no matter you are designing has to satisfy a core want. These wants may be apparent and specific, however usually they’re latent and underlying — you must tease out what’s taking place. Listening for these wants is essential in person interviews, and in addition in getting product alignment—particularly whenever you’re relying on a gaggle of stakeholders from totally different groups to get one thing out the door,” says Vengoechea. 

“Shifting out of the product org perspective may help you get a greater sense of what your inside companions are going through. Phrases like ‘We’re working as exhausting as we will,’ or ‘We’re working out of steam,’ or ‘If it have been as much as me,’ is perhaps clues of a necessity for recognition, a necessity for extra sources, a distinction of opinion, or a scarcity of alignment.”

Everyone is at all times bringing a necessity right into a dialog. The product managers who can spot these cues will clear up the inner challenges they face a lot sooner.

Maximizing what you possibly can study from customers:

“PMs have this fascinating position the place they’ve to know the person however additionally they have to know the market, the gross sales staff, the technical necessities, the strategic imaginative and prescient. And since you’re the go-between for all these totally different departments, you spend a superb chunk of your time explaining or convincing,” says Vengoechea.

“However toggling out of that trainer mode is essential. As an instance a person would not perceive a movement or the aim of a function. PMs may need a powerful impulse to override and say, ‘Oh, effectively, that is the way it works,’ or ‘That is how you’ll use it.’ Then the person thinks to themselves, ‘Oh, okay, I would not use it that manner, however I am most likely not who you are designing this for.’ Now you’re lacking out on that worthwhile suggestions. Step again into that scholar mode and enter into each session with a studying mindset. Ask your self: The truth that it isn’t apparent to this particular person, what does that inform me?”

Product managers are used to explaining the product and their imaginative and prescient to all these totally different events. However in the case of interviewing a person, their job isn’t to clarify, however to hear and study. 


“One of many listening challenges for design features is that as a result of they’ve created the expertise or prototype that we’re placing in entrance of individuals, the suggestions can really feel far more private,” says Vengoechea. “When issues really feel private and when our ego is concerned, it will get actually exhausting to hear.”

Within the ebook, she describes these as hotspots — emotional areas and tender matters in dialog. “It may very well be one thing taboo, or a extra private hazard zone, something that makes you are feeling extra emotionally charged and overpowers your efforts to hear with empathy. Within the case of a designer, it’s usually all the exhausting work that they put into this design. Perhaps they needed to struggle for his or her imaginative and prescient with the PM, or they really feel like they’ve so much on the road when it comes to their profession development,” she says.

“If somebody says one thing that rubs in opposition to your emotional attachment or ego in a roundabout way, it may be exhausting to listen to that out. It may be simpler as an alternative to rationalize why that particular person is fallacious or to dismiss it outright. Which may seem like shutting down, reacting defensively, or getting demoralized.”

The antidote? Begin by recognizing the sample. “Simply acknowledging, ‘Oh, I am having an emotional response to this,’ or ‘I am feeling unhealthy about that suggestions,’ may be highly effective. Noticing the way you bodily really feel in your physique, which is the place usually we really feel it first, can also be useful. Are you feeling a tightening of the throat, or a pounding of the chest?” says Vengoechea. 

“When you possibly can tune into that after which label it, that helps diffuse the sensation. Attempt phrases like, ‘I am having a powerful response to what this participant is saying about my designs, however this isn’t truly about me proper now,’ or ‘I am feeling a bit of bit attacked in critique right this moment, however I do know that is not what my friends are  attempting to do.’ You may even say, ‘I am tremendous activated proper now. I want a five-minute breather, after which I’ll come again to this dialog.’”

UX analysis:

UX researchers could already be sturdy listeners, however even on her residence turf, Vengoechea acknowledges there’s at all times room for enchancment. 

“One of many issues that you simply see, notably in early-stage researchers, is an actual attachment to the moderators information which has your listing of questions. There is a sturdy sense of, ‘If I hit each query, I’ll get the insights I want.’ However whenever you’re so targeted on that script, you truly will not be listening as a lot to what’s taking place in actual time. You are not in a position to pivot and reply to what’s being stated,” she says. 

“If you should utilize your set of questions as a information, not a script, you possibly can actually take note of what somebody is saying in actual time. That’s the place you possibly can observe them down probably productive tangents — which is the place the insights are going to return from.”

For the extra seasoned UX leaders, Vengoechea flags a special hurdle. “In case you’ve been in a sure area for some time, you construct up experience, which after all may be extremely worthwhile. However there comes some extent the place you begin to predict the responses that you simply hear in classes. I labored with advertisers, builders, shoppers and located that time with every viewers,” she says.

However if I are available in with the perspective of ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do know this already,’ I am not going to get anyplace. That’s going to point out up in how I ask my questions, in how a lot time I give contributors to reply, and I’ll solely verify what I already know,” she says. “For instance, I labored with many SMBs and bought to know their issues — they lack sources, time, cash. But when I went in pondering it might be a simple interview, I’d seemingly study precisely these three issues. As an alternative, if I went in and thought, ‘What else? Or to what extent? Or in what methods? Or when is it worse? When is it simpler?’ then that may be a special dialog.”

You may have to have the ability to herald your experience as a manner of deepening the dialog — versus flattening it. 


“Engineers do not at all times get credit score right here.I’ve labored with many very user-centered engineers. There are tons of very inventive engineers who’ve concepts for merchandise, options, or person analysis, and are nice at listening to their counterparts on different groups,” Vengoechea says. 

“For engineers, getting empathetic and curious can provide you a greater sense of how the remainder of the org works. Within the context of studying from customers, it may possibly additionally make what you’re constructing really feel much less summary, particularly in case you’re on the back-end and it’s not instantly apparent how what you’re engaged on goes to point out up in somebody’s on a regular basis world.”

If it is a ability you wish to work on, right here’s her advice. “Partaking in an enormous listening tour to speak extra to different groups, or interacting with customers immediately in analysis classes or gross sales calls is one technique to construct this muscle. If that’s not your fashion, begin smaller.

“As an preliminary step, I’d take into consideration listening not simply when it comes to what you are listening to, but in addition what you are seeing. You may apply in quiet, unobtrusive methods in a gathering by going past the precise work being mentioned and observing the general group dynamics. What’s being stated, and what’s not being stated? Whose opinion is being repeated, whose opinion is being credited, whose opinion is being ignored, and why would possibly that be?” 

Gross sales:

“With gross sales, you’ve got a really clear objective: You are attempting to shut a deal and promote your resolution as the resolution. Which means you have already bought a sure listening filter in place. You are scanning for which a part of a possible buyer’s downside your staff can clear up — or in case you can reframe that downside into one thing that you could clear up. However in case you’re not cautious, then you are going to miss the precise downside,” says Vengoechea.

Main with discovery round their downside, versus promoting your resolution is an efficient place to start out. However she additionally has one other advice for folk who spend their days speaking to prospects: Embracing silence as a method.

“This may be counterintuitive as a result of we consider silence as notably awkward, or an indication that we’re not connecting. However asking somebody a query and giving them the house to reply is an underutilized instrument. Taking a beat earlier than you chime in together with your pitch, or ready a hair longer than is comfy earlier than pivoting towards your resolution will normally yield one thing insightful,” she says.

“This can be a method that we use in lab classes. In case you’re naturally impatient, simply rely to 10 in your head. You most likely will not even make it to 10 earlier than the opposite particular person chimes in.”

Create more room for individuals in your conversations. That awkward second of silence normally takes place simply earlier than some nugget of reality or stroke of perception spills out.

Individuals staff:

Of us on the individuals staff must do so much of listening, particularly lately. However after all, there are nuances relying in your particular position. 

For recruiters attempting to shut a candidate:

Spend extra time asking extra questions than pitching. “Typically there is a dynamic with a recruiter of ‘I’ll promote you the corporate, the imaginative and prescient of the place we’ll be in 5 years.’ However whenever you’re in promote mode, it’s simple to miss the ability of slowing down and asking extra questions of the candidate to get a way of whether or not it is actually going to be a superb match, particularly in right this moment’s aggressive market.”

Relating to recruiting you possibly can at all times inform somebody what they wish to hear, however inside six months you will each know whether or not it is true. Listening for what a candidate is really on the lookout for as an alternative of simply pitching will prevent wasted cycles.

“And I perceive the impulse, you have bought headcount quotas that you simply wish to fill. However taking your time to ensure that the particular person is an efficient match will prevent from having the identical dialog six months from now as a result of it wasn’t a superb match,” she says. “Which means doing all of your finest to sluggish the dialog down, creating more room by means of silence, and possibly asking one other query when you’ve got an intuition to pitch. My go-tos are questions like, ‘What are the hardest components of your job? The best? Probably the most thrilling?’ These are open-ended sufficient that solutions can cowl something from resourcing constraints, to workplace politics, to the nitty gritty of the core job.”

For individuals staff members navigating powerful conversations with staff:

Previously few years, individuals groups have been dealing with exhausting dialog after exhausting dialog, whether or not it’s round layoffs, distant work insurance policies, or supporting staff going by means of difficult occasions.

“While you’re having a very emotional dialog, ensure that all people’s getting no matter breaks they want. There is a sense that we simply must cope with our feelings within the enterprise world, that we will’t cry or interrupt this assembly with our emotions. However we’re all human and the pandemic has actually reaffirmed our humanity,” she says. “It is okay to ask for a pause if you should. It is also okay to do that on behalf of another person, and empathetic listening helps clue you into that. Asking, ‘Hey, do we have to pause for a minute?’ or kindly making an excuse like requesting a bio break so that you’re hitting pause on their behalf may be tremendously useful.”

One other tip is to get comfy with inaction. “Typically after we’re having emotional conversations, there’s no motion that must be taken, which is tough for us to take a seat with as a result of we frequently really feel that we now have to do one thing, whether or not it’s fixing the issue, giving recommendation, or transferring the ball ahead. We count on a sure momentum in conversations,” says Vengoechea.

Typically there’s nothing to do besides simply to hear and bear witness, to offer that different particular person the house to have no matter sturdy response or troublesome opinion they might have. All the time remind your self that that’s an possibility.

After all, a number of years of conversations like these have left many leaders feeling drained. “Recharging and recovering from empathetic listening boils all the way down to processing and sharing your expertise in a roundabout way. That does not imply you should go shout it from the rooftops — for a few of us it feels actually good to course of this in dialog with others, for others that sounds horrible and solitude goes to be far more restorative as an alternative,” she says. 

“When you’ve got that tendency to play that empathetic ear, normally you try this in all places — at work and at residence. A few of your relationships could even be outlined by that. Which may imply you must apply distancing, setting boundaries, and politely ending a dialog. In case you’re discovering that a few of these relationships are actually off kilter or possibly somebody is admittedly making the most of that empathetic ear, beginning to train self-advocacy is essential.”

After we hear with out having our personal wants met, we threat turning into listening martyrs — repeatedly placing others’ wants earlier than our personal in dialog, which places our sense of self and connection to others in danger. 

Cowl picture by Getty Photographs / Cathy Scola. Photograph of Ximena by Kara Brodgesell. Illustrations by Ximena Vengoechea.

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